Out of the Valley

Dear Lord; Happy Tuesday Father!

“I’m a failure Father.

I’ve failed my family…

I’ve failed my friends…

And I’ve failed You…

I’m so sorry Lord… Please forgive me.”

Those words hung painfully in the quiet presence of the sanctuary at Ewell’s-St. Paul last Tuesday evening as I knelt at the altar, while the joyful sounds of children enjoying Vacation Bible School in the rooms below brought contrast to the silence.  Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I looked up at Hofmann’s painting of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, realizing in anguish how distant I felt from You right at that moment.

The world had come crashing in around me; laying waste to the essence of my being with such force that I scarcely knew what direction to turn.  I felt beaten, and worthless, and in the midst of that weakness the enemy found me…

“You’ve let everybody down…

You’ve squandered the opportunities God gave you…

You’re a failure.”

And yes Father, at that moment I believed it; every whisper, every word.

I was ashamed Lord…

Ashamed of my impotence to resolve the current crises, but even more so that I believed myself unworthy and was unable to lay them at Your feet.  I’d separated myself from Your presence, and in that valley realized the true depth of my limitations.

I’d lost Your voice Father, and felt isolated and alone in my pain; defined not by my heavenly inheritance, but instead by my fragile humanity.

And yet, as I have so many times before Lord, on that altar covered in tear-stained apologies I began the journey out of that valley, and back to You.

No booming voice came from the sky to direct me…

My struggles and pain weren’t instantly silenced by Your divine hand…

And my heart still ached from the perception of my failings.

But kneeling in the quiet,

As the fading light of dusk gave life to shadow,

I knew that You were with me…

And that You still love me.

So with that truth as my guide Lord, I reach for You; climbing out of the valley one step at a time until Your heavenly light banishes these lies from my heart, and I’m reminded that I’m not defined by my worldly perceptions of failure, but instead through the love of my Heavenly Father.

In Jesus’ name I pray,

Amen.

~Phather Phil