I’m Sorry, and Thank You

Dear Lord; This morning, I want to apologize to You for something, and at the same time to thank You as well.

When my son Jonathan came into the world, he was born with a very rare and very serious disease called Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis which threatened to take him from us.  He was on chemotherapy and a variety of other stringent treatments starting at 10 weeks old, and we spent the following year and a half basically living in the Oncology Ward at A.I. Dupont Hospital for Children.  It was a terrifying time for my Wife and I, and we lived every day not knowing if he was going to be with us much longer.  Like many others have in that position, I asked You WHY, WHY, WHY were you doing this to us… No answer came.

While we were staying there, I was introduced to the Pastor for the Hospital.  He was a quiet man, and although he walked through a place where there was immeasurable sadness and suffering I remember that I always felt an aura of peacefulness around him.  He tried very much to comfort me at the time, but my heart was not ready to hear what he was saying, so I simply informed him that “God and I were having a difference of opinion at the moment as to what was and wasn’t reasonable.”  He smiled, and said that he understood but that when I was ready, he’d be there.  While I didn’t realize it at the time, this was the start of my Spiritual Awakening.

Time passed, and my little angel bucked all the odds and not only came through the treatments, but managed to thrive in the process.  He’ll be 11 soon, and has been in consistent remission for a little over 9 years.  He is very likely my greatest Blessing, and I thank You from the bottom of my soul for continuing to allow me to have him in my life.

Anyways, to get back to the statement I began the email with, during that period of my life I can honestly say that my Faith was at it’s lowest point.  I felt angry, tired, and persecuted and blamed You for all of it.  However, from all of the time we spent at A.I., my eyes were truly opened in a way that I never thought possible.  We witnessed tragedies, and miracles, and amazing acts of compassion and sacrifice.  What I came to realize was that while I was busy blaming You for all my fears and problems, You were actually teaching me about myself, and WHY my Faith is so important.  So Father, I’d like to apologize for my misdirected emotions, and at the same time Thank You for all you taught me through the process.  Amen.

~Phather Phil