Then and Now, Lessons Learned

Dear Lord; Good evening Father!

For some time now Father, I’ve been feeling like You’ve been preparing me for something; teaching me hard lessons, tempering my faith and yet at the same time guiding me towards a destination somewhere “outside my box”.  You’ve whispered messages of encouragement and direction into my heart, but as I called them in yesterday’s chat all those “puzzle pieces” just haven’t quite fit together yet.  You told me there would be change in my life, You told me to “Expect something wonderful” and over and over again You told me to be steadfast and have Faith.  I won’t sugar coat it Lord… The last year or so has been extremely difficult for me.  But Father, somewhere during this time of trials something strange happened…

I found that I actually became more thankful for Your Blessings in my life, and have grown closer to You in the process.

I got to thinking about this quite a bit today, and I realized that it wasn’t the first time You’ve used hardships to teach me something important.  In fact, the first time was what I consider to be the lowest point in my life and at the same time, the beginning of my understanding of what true Blessings are.

On December 14, 1999, you gave to us a wonderful, beautiful little boy whom we named Jonathan.  As we’d been told for years that we couldn’t have our own biological children, Jonathan was deemed our “miracle baby”; little did we know how true that description was.

At Jonathan’s 10-week checkup, the pediatrician noticed that he looked awfully pale so she ordered some blood tests to be done.  A few hours later in a flurry of anxious phone calls we were sent directly to A.I. Dupont Hospital for Children’s Oncology / Hematology department for an emergency appointment.  The next several weeks to follow were to be honest, a blur.  Test after test was done, and yet answers still seemed just out of everyone’s reach while terms like Leukemia, Anemia and Spherocytosis were tossed about between the physicians.  Finally, on March 19^th (coincidentally my 30^th birthday) we were given the grim diagnosis.  Jonathan had a rare disease called Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis, and it had infiltrated multiple systems in his tiny little body.  While the doctors were hesitant to give us any specifics about his prognosis, we were quietly informed that based on how far the disease had spread and the lack of information about it they gave him a 10 to 20% chance at best.

Shannon and I were absolutely devastated.  I was lost Father, and hurt, and angry… oh was I angry.

You had started to bring me to You that day Father, although I didn’t know it at the time.  We spent the majority of our time over the next 14 months living at the hospital, clinging to his life with all we had.  From rounds of chemotherapy and steroids, to surgeries, to recovery protocols we stayed fast and hung our lives on every change in his condition.

I’d love to say that I prayed long, deep, faithful prayers Lord, but we both know that isn’t true.  I was consumed by grief, and anger and fear.  I have no doubt You were trying to talk to me then Father, but I was nothing resembling receptive.

And yet, You never left Jonathan’s side.  I was broken, and lost and still You remained ever-faithful.  Thank You so much for that Father.  🙂

It’s said that hindsight is 20/20, and in this case it’s an apt phrase.  When I look back at that terrifying period of uncertainty in our lives, I realize that I needed to be there.  In the midst of my darkest time, You were waving a lantern; pointing out things that had I not been forced to deal with, I would have never seen.  It was a transformational and pivotal point in my life Lord, and it completely altered the path I’d been on.  The lessons I learned in those years changed me in ways I’m still uncovering today.

Fast forward ten years time…

Life again took a new turn down the road of uncertainty.  Between severe economic nightmares, the unexpected death of my best friend and a seemingly unending set of problems, the last year has been the most stressful period I’ve had since Jonathan’s illness was diagnosed.  This time however, it’s different Father:

I know You’re here with me, ever-faithful, ever-vigilant.  Even in my turmoil, I feel Your Peace.

See Lord, I learn.  🙂

Heavenly Father, I thank You for faithfully guiding me down the path You have laid out for me.  Please keep my eyes open, my ears trained and my heart open for those whisperings You pass to me along the way.  Amen.

~Phather Phil