Running on Fumes

Dear Lord; Happy Wednesday Father!

You know Father, I still find it amazing the ways You find to impress things upon my heart.  In today’s case for instance, my morning lesson came from the gas gauge on my dashboard.

I was on my way in to work, when the quiet of my morning ride was unceremoniously interrupted by a loud “ding!”.  Looking down at the dash, I realized that my trusty vehicle was trying to draw my attention to the fact that I was quite low on fuel.

“I’ll be ok” I thought… “I can keep going for a while yet.”

For some reason though, You seemed to feel that this was a good learning opportunity for me.

“You’ve felt that way before.” I heard You whisper.

Ouch!  I knew exactly what You’d meant by that too…

When I was in my early 20s, I knew everything.  I prided myself at always being one step ahead, always staying in control of every situation, and in never needing anyone’s help.  My life was a non-stop roller coaster of work, caring for a rapidly declining mother and grandfather, and one self-destructive relationship after another.  During that period I averaged three to four hours sleep a night, and many of those were obtained through alcohol induced collapse.  Yep, I had it all worked out… I could burn the candle at both ends and deal with whatever came my way.

I was running on fumes.

And like my truck Father, you can only function that way for so long before you just… stop.

In my case, the “dead on the side of the road” moment came with the onset and diagnosis of my son Jonathan’s disease shortly after he was born.  In one decisive stroke, I became painfully aware that I wasn’t as in control as I had disillusioned myself into believing.  I was lost, and terrified, and felt completely disconnected from what I had always held onto as being finite and real.

And yet Lord, in that humbling and pain, You began my rebirth.

Sometimes Father, as I’ve learned, we need to be stranded on the side of our spiritual road before we can begin the real journey.  Thankfully, You pick up hitchhikers.  🙂  Now I keep my “Faith Tank” full, and try to follow Your GPS to where You need me to be.  I don’t always get there directly, but I’m learning new roads each day.

Thank You for Your “Road Side Assistance” program Father.

Amen.

~Phather Phil

P.S. Today marks one year from the very first “Email to God” that I ever posted.  It was simply a tongue-in-cheek message sent to my Facebook Wall that read : “Dear Lord, we thank you for another day and all the blessings you have bestowed upon us. Just a note however, I think you left the water running last night… Amen.  ~Phather Phil” (It was a particularly rainy day.  🙂 )