Making “What Ifs” into Amens

Dear Lord; Happy Monday Father!

First off Father, I want to thank You for the weekend.  As we discussed Friday, Shannon and I both went into it sick and we ended up spending most of the weekend inside.  I did manage to sneak out a couple hours on Saturday with Jonathan for a trip to Barnes & Noble, and made a quick grocery run on Sunday but other than that it was a quiet, reserved couple of days.  Thankfully, Shannon and I seem to be on the upside of this bug, but it’s obviously going to take a few more days to completely clear out.  Either way, although our weekend didn’t exactly go as we planned I did get to spend lots of quality time with my family.  🙂

And then, Monday happened.

We were actually doing unusually well for a Monday morning Father.  Everyone got up on time, got things together and out the door on schedule, and we made it to the kids’ school with time to spare.  About 10 minutes after dropping them off however, came the call…

With no warning, Jonathan had vomited on his way to class.  ~sigh~

I dropped my things at the office, and made my way back to school to retrieve him.  He’d been complaining about some headaches for the last week or so, but other than that this was the only symptom he presented with.  Unfortunately, because he still has a VP shunt in place we have to look at those two particular symptoms very carefully as they can indicate problems with it’s operation.  I picked him up, made a call, and off to the pediatrician we went.

The wait to be seen at the doctor’s office was typical for a Monday morning; a little over an hour.  We sat waiting in the truck (the office lobby was full), me spending time reading in Exodus on my Nook Color (I’m really enjoying my new toy) while Jonathan quietly played a puzzle game on my phone.  When we finally got in to see the doctor the appointment was short and to the point, and we were quickly sent next door to have some sinus x-rays done.  Those too, went without issue and about an hour later we received a call from the doctor indicating that his sinuses looked perfectly clear, and that if his symptoms persisted we would need to have Jonathan evaluated by his neurologist.

So… No immediate answers; just more questions.

Each time we get a reminder of Jonathan’s unique medical needs Father, it’s a vibrant flashback to some very scary times.  For the most part, we’ve slipped back into “normality” in regards to his health; sniffles are just sniffles, not a trip to the emergency room at 2AM.  When situations like this come up though, we’re thrust back into the world of the unknown and the “what if” scenarios.  It’s a place we know far too well, and pray often to avoid.

And yet Father, I know in my heart that You’re with him.  And armed with that bit of Truth, those “what ifs” aren’t nearly as frightening as they once were.

I still worry of course.  That’s my job as his father, and I love him dearly.  You’ve entrusted him to our care, and I’ll do whatever is required of me to honor that assignment.  However, knowing that all the while he’s in Your Loving Arms brings amazing peace to my spirit.  Thank You for that confidence Lord.

Heavenly Father, please continue to watch over Jonathan and bring to him Your Healing Touch.  I thank You for the comfort of Your Presence, and pray that all those in need of reassurance can also feel that peace.  Through Your Love Father, “what ifs” can truly become Amens.  Amen.

~Phather Phil

The Best Laid Plans

Dear Lord; Happy Friday Father!

Well Lord, it’s certainly been an eventful week in the Malmstrom household.  Between hectic work schedules, symphony and quartet performances for Shannon, schoolwork and associated activities and then on top of that Shannon and I both getting a respiratory bug yesterday afternoon, we’ve been running non-stop it seems.  This illness nailed us both out of the blue and hit pretty hard, so this evening we’re finally settling down and trying to get some “quiet time”.

I was actually feeling a little down tonight Father.  Being as tomorrow is my birthday, Shannon and I had been planning to go out Saturday evening for a “Date Night”, but with both of us catching this bug we ended up cancelling our plans.  I’d been looking forward to our night out for a couple weeks, so it was a bit of a disappointment when I realized there was no way either of us was up to it.

Sitting around the dinner table this evening, it was a little on the subdued side; with both Shannon and I projecting raspy voices, conversation was somewhat limited.  About half-way through the meal, Shannon gave me a thoughtful look, and handed me a gift bag from across the table.  I protested slightly that my birthday was tomorrow and that I’d wait, but she was insistent so I gave in and took the bag.  Inside was a beautifully romantic birthday card, a FastBreak candy bar, a bag of jelly beans, and this:

I have such an amazing wife Father…   🙂

Heavenly Father, thank You so much for Your Constant Presence in our lives.  Whether we’re healthy, sick, energetic, or tired You remain by our sides, ever-faithful.  As my loving wife’s gift reminded me this evening, our disappointments pale in comparison to the Blessings You grant us each and every day when we choose to see them.  Amen.

~Phather Phil

Then and Now, Lessons Learned

Dear Lord; Good evening Father!

For some time now Father, I’ve been feeling like You’ve been preparing me for something; teaching me hard lessons, tempering my faith and yet at the same time guiding me towards a destination somewhere “outside my box”.  You’ve whispered messages of encouragement and direction into my heart, but as I called them in yesterday’s chat all those “puzzle pieces” just haven’t quite fit together yet.  You told me there would be change in my life, You told me to “Expect something wonderful” and over and over again You told me to be steadfast and have Faith.  I won’t sugar coat it Lord… The last year or so has been extremely difficult for me.  But Father, somewhere during this time of trials something strange happened…

I found that I actually became more thankful for Your Blessings in my life, and have grown closer to You in the process.

I got to thinking about this quite a bit today, and I realized that it wasn’t the first time You’ve used hardships to teach me something important.  In fact, the first time was what I consider to be the lowest point in my life and at the same time, the beginning of my understanding of what true Blessings are.

On December 14, 1999, you gave to us a wonderful, beautiful little boy whom we named Jonathan.  As we’d been told for years that we couldn’t have our own biological children, Jonathan was deemed our “miracle baby”; little did we know how true that description was.

At Jonathan’s 10-week checkup, the pediatrician noticed that he looked awfully pale so she ordered some blood tests to be done.  A few hours later in a flurry of anxious phone calls we were sent directly to A.I. Dupont Hospital for Children’s Oncology / Hematology department for an emergency appointment.  The next several weeks to follow were to be honest, a blur.  Test after test was done, and yet answers still seemed just out of everyone’s reach while terms like Leukemia, Anemia and Spherocytosis were tossed about between the physicians.  Finally, on March 19^th (coincidentally my 30^th birthday) we were given the grim diagnosis.  Jonathan had a rare disease called Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis, and it had infiltrated multiple systems in his tiny little body.  While the doctors were hesitant to give us any specifics about his prognosis, we were quietly informed that based on how far the disease had spread and the lack of information about it they gave him a 10 to 20% chance at best.

Shannon and I were absolutely devastated.  I was lost Father, and hurt, and angry… oh was I angry.

You had started to bring me to You that day Father, although I didn’t know it at the time.  We spent the majority of our time over the next 14 months living at the hospital, clinging to his life with all we had.  From rounds of chemotherapy and steroids, to surgeries, to recovery protocols we stayed fast and hung our lives on every change in his condition.

I’d love to say that I prayed long, deep, faithful prayers Lord, but we both know that isn’t true.  I was consumed by grief, and anger and fear.  I have no doubt You were trying to talk to me then Father, but I was nothing resembling receptive.

And yet, You never left Jonathan’s side.  I was broken, and lost and still You remained ever-faithful.  Thank You so much for that Father.  🙂

It’s said that hindsight is 20/20, and in this case it’s an apt phrase.  When I look back at that terrifying period of uncertainty in our lives, I realize that I needed to be there.  In the midst of my darkest time, You were waving a lantern; pointing out things that had I not been forced to deal with, I would have never seen.  It was a transformational and pivotal point in my life Lord, and it completely altered the path I’d been on.  The lessons I learned in those years changed me in ways I’m still uncovering today.

Fast forward ten years time…

Life again took a new turn down the road of uncertainty.  Between severe economic nightmares, the unexpected death of my best friend and a seemingly unending set of problems, the last year has been the most stressful period I’ve had since Jonathan’s illness was diagnosed.  This time however, it’s different Father:

I know You’re here with me, ever-faithful, ever-vigilant.  Even in my turmoil, I feel Your Peace.

See Lord, I learn.  🙂

Heavenly Father, I thank You for faithfully guiding me down the path You have laid out for me.  Please keep my eyes open, my ears trained and my heart open for those whisperings You pass to me along the way.  Amen.

~Phather Phil

The Rainbow Connection

Dear Lord; Good morning Father!

As You’re undoubtedly aware Father, it’s a dreary, rainy day here in Delaware.  It’s just one of those mornings where I wake up, look outside, and seriously contemplate finding some excuse to crawl back under the covers.  Alas, today that wasn’t an option so out into the weather I went.

Driving into the office following teacher conferences at the boys’ school (which went very well… thank You!), I started contemplating the lingering clouds and falling rain a little bit more.  Like all of Your Gifts to us, the rain has a purpose; it supports and nourishes life, and cleanses the landscape it traverses.  While we may not always feel joyous when the weather shifts, it is one of Your Blessings to us all the same.

And then comes the rainbow…

“And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.  Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind.  Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.  Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”” – Genesis 9:12-16 (NIV)

I LOVE this Lord: a rainbow is the reminder of Your covenant with us.  What an amazing signature You have Father!  Noah must have had such a smile on his face seeing that first rainbow.  🙂

Today Father, You also placed on my heart the idea to start “Thankful Thursday” here on phatherphil.org.  The concept I had was that on each Thursday’s message to You, I’d close by listing some of the things I’ve been especially thankful for this week.  Just for curiosity’s sake, I did a quick Google search on the phrase and found that it was already something that was being done and coordinated on another site.  The site is a blog called “Grace Alone…”, and I’m pleased to link to her site today.

This week has been a hectic roller-coaster-ride Lord, but it’s funny that during those crazy days I find myself even more thankful for Your Blessings.  As this is the first “Thankful Thursday” entry for me, I’ll start with the most obvious and significant miracle in my life:

I’m extremely thankful for the unending support of my wonderful wife Shannon.  As You know Father, things have been difficult business-wise over the last several months.  Through every up-and-down, she’s always been there for me with words of comfort and encouragement.  Her love is an amazing gift Lord, and I feel truly Blessed having her as my wife.

There are so many other Blessings You grant me each day Lord, but we’ll start there.  🙂

Heavenly Father, I thank You for the cleansing rain and the vibrant reminder of Your Covenant that will soon follow.  I pray we can all see through the apparent gloom and witness Your Shining Majesty in each of our lives today.  Amen.

~Phather Phil

Miracles and Wonders

Dear Lord; Happy Monday Father!

Thank You Father, for yet another lovely weekend!  Shannon and I were able to get out with some friends for a “date night” Friday evening, and on Saturday a friend of Jonathan’s from Kay’s Kamp came for a visit.  He hadn’t seen Matthew since Kamp last summer, so it was a wonderful reunion and the kids had an absolute blast.  As for me, with Shannon focused on her schoolwork I got to spend lots of time in the kitchen (the kids really enjoyed making fried wontons), got some housework accomplished and still had “down time” to spend on Sunday watching movies and playing with the kids.  All in all, a busy but very satisfying couple of days.

One of the movies I watched on Sunday afternoon was an old favorite of mine (I actually have it on Laserdisc).  It’s a 1992 film called “Leap of Fath” which starred Steve Martin as a con-man Christian preacher and faith healer named Jonas Nightengale who travels across the country hosting revivals and performing “miracles” for the crowd.  On his way to Topeka, one of the trucks breaks down and strands the troupe in a depressed farming town called Rustwater.  Jonas decides to do their show in the small town while waiting for the truck to be repaired, and is quickly met with resistance from the local sheriff (played by Liam Neeson) who seeks to expose him for the charlatan that he is.  Jonas’ perspective however, soon changes when a local handicapped boy begins to make him examine his faith in a different light.

This is one of those films I can watch again and again, and yet gain something new from it each time Lord.  It highlights some of the depths that in our brokenness we can sink to, and yet also delivers a powerful reminder of Your capacity for love and the spiritual transformation that can only come when we actively seek You.  Watching this time, the thing that struck me the most was the look on Jonas’ face when he witnesses an actual miracle of healing during one of his shows.  From the chasm of his self-centeredness and disbelief, he’s forced to see past himself and realizes that he’s truly not in control of things.

Mr. Martin does an amazing job portraying the character in this scene.  The look of awe on his face at that moment describes quite eloquently the feeling I get when I spend time in Your Presence.  🙂

Heavenly Father, thank You once again for a rejuvenating weekend.  It always refreshes me to find Your Messages to us in so many varied ways and places.  You truly are the God of “Miracles and Wonders”.  Amen.

~Phather Phil